Are Hillary and Donald A Match?

online-dating

If you read the entries on this blog, you’ll know I tried the online dating thing.  My friends want me to write a book about things I’ve read or seen online.  To polish my writing skills and creativity, I decided to write dating profiles for Hillary and Trump.  Let me know if you think they’re a match.

 

TRUMP’S PROFILE

Username:  The DonaldAKAJohnBaron

Headline:  It’s all about me…

Relationships:  Married, Separated in My Mind, Divorced, Married, Divorced, Married. . .

Have Kids:  Yes, 5 from 3 different women

Want Kids:  Not ruling it out.  Afterall, Strom was 73 when his last one was born.

Body Type:  Thanks to a specially concocted vitamin made specifically for me after an expensive urinalysis, I am in excellent shape.

Smoke: Never

Drink:  Never

Interests:  Talking, Golf, WWE

Political Views:  Republican, 1987-1999, 2009-2011, 2012-present…  Independent, 2011-2012… Democrat, 2001-2009,  Can’t account for the millennium gap.

Sign:  Gemini

Hair:  Toupee

Do I have a car?  Yes, but no driver’s license.  No need for one as I’ve had chauffeurs my entire life.

Education:  Fordham University, University of Pennsylvania (with a little help from my brother, Freddy)

Occupation:  Presidential Candidate, Owner of Large Buildings, Hotels, Casinos, Golf Courses, Defendant, Plaintiff… Former Owner of  Miss USA Pagaent, New Jersey Generals (USFL football team), Trump University. . .

Income:  That’s for me and my accountant to know.

Language:  American…  My wife is fluent in 5 languages, does that count?

In His Own Words:  Not looking for a person that is judgmental, materialistic, racist or self-centered.  I’ve got that covered.  Must show proof of birthplace via birth certificate.  It’s ok if you weren’t born in the US; but only if you have big breasts.  If you meet this criterion and live in Mexico, you must be willing and able to climb a great, big wall.

For Fun: Tell people “You’re Fired!”

Favorite Hotspots:  Any place with the name Trump on it.  I don’t own all the buildings; but you too can name your house Trump Casa for a mere $9,999,999.99.

Favorite Things:  Myself, The Apprentice

Last Read:  I only read books “written” by Donald Trump.  A few of my favorites are Trump:  The Art of the Deal, Trump:  How to Get Rich, Trump 101:  The Way to Success, Trump:  The Way to the Top:  The Best Business Advice I Ever Received, Trump:  Surviving at the Top,  Trump:  Think Big and Kick Ass in Businesss and Life, Trump:  Think Like a Billionare:  Everything You Need to Know About Success, Real Estate and Life, Trump:  Nev er Give Up:  How I Turned My Biggest Challenges Into Success, Think Like a Champion:  An Informal Education in Business & Life, Midas Touch, Trump University:  Wealth Building 101:  Your First 90 Days on the Path, Trump University:  Branding 101:  How to Build the Most Valuable Asset of Any Business,   Trump University:  Commercial Real Estate 101:  How Small Investors Can Get Started and Make it Big, Why We Want You To Be Rich:  Two Men – One Message, Trump Strategies for Real Estate:  Billionaire Lessons for the Small Investor, Donald J. Trump’s Time to Get Tough:  Making America #1 Again, Great Again:  How to Fix Our Crippled America,  Time to Get Tough:  Make American Great Again

Religion:  Christian but don’t ask for my favorite Bible verse on the first date.  “I don’t like giving that out to people I hardly know.”

Ancestry:  German and Scottish

Exercise:  Talking about myself and all my friends.  Golf.  My exercise is limited due to my “heel spurs.”

 

HILLARY’S PROFILE

Username:  HillYes

Headline: Stronger Together

Relationships:  Married (If it weren’t for the fact my husband is politically lucrative, I would have divorced him years ago.)

Have Kids:  Yes, 1 named Chelsea.  If you can name the Joni Mitchell song she’s named after without googling, I’ll buy you dinner.  Trust me, the NSA will know if you googled or not.

Want Kids:  “What has Bill been up to this time?”

Body Type:  I’m 68.  What do you think?

Smoke:  No, that wasn’t a smoker’s cough.  It was allergies that turned into pneumonia.

Drink:  Yes.  Vodka Martinis are my go-to-beverage.

Interests: Politics

Political Views:  Depends on the Audience

Sign:  Scorpio

Hair:  Dyed

Do I have a car?  Technically, no.  But my Secret Service Agents drive me around in black vehicles with tinted windows.  Does that count?

Education:  Wellesley College, Yale Law School

Occupation: Presidential Candidate, Former… Secretary of State, US Senator, First Lady of United Sates, First Lady of Arkansas,  Lawyer (first female partner at Rose Law Firm),

Income:  $10.6 million (Don’t believe me?  My 2015 tax records are available online)

Language:  English

In Her Own Words:  Looking for a handsome, young White House Intern who doesn’t expect homemade cookies.

For Fun:  Congressional Hearings

Favorite Hotspots:  Benghazi

Favorite Things:   Jalapenos, Traveling (visited 112 countries from 2009-2012)

Last Read:  Email (at home)

Religion:  Methodist

Ancestry:  English, Scottish, Welsh, French-Canadian

Exercise:  Yoga, Water Aerobics, Brisk Walks

First Date Idea:  Hofstra University, September 26 at 9:00 pm

 

IS IT WRITTEN IN THE STARS:  Compatiblility According to Astrological Signs

“When Gemini and Scorpio get involved, you might ask yourself how they ever fell in love.”  More details available at

http://www.astrology-zodiac-signs.com/compatibility/scorpio-gemini/

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